Mission statement:
Chateau Plonque is committed to making the finest wines, both white and red, that inexpensive store-bought kits can provide.

Grapes used:
At Chateau Plonque, we don't take chances! Grapes can have disgusting parasites, evil yeast infections and all manner of chemical sprays applied to them. For this reason, the wine is fermented our traditional way: from a reasonably priced kit, available at local homebrew stores. It's simpler, quicker and quite reliable.

Bottles:
Each glass container is carefully selected from a large inventory of exquisite recycled wine bottles.

Y2K compliancy: (President's statement, May,1999)
Remain confident that the technical staff at Chateau Plonque have rigorously tested each vintage for Y2K compliancy, and all selections have passed.
Rest assured that your selection will age gracefully right into the next century, and indeed, the next millennium! Still worried? Further details explained in this
QUICKTIME Movie. THIS should put your mind at ease!

Is Chateau Plonque 'real' wine?
We refer you to a Tufts University article by the philosopher Daniel C. Dennett on what is 'real'... and what is not. In it, Dennett explicitly states: "Perfect imitation Chateau Plonque is exactly as good a wine as the real thing".
Caveat: Consumption of Chateau Plonque wines may cause some blurring of the boundaries of these points of view. Discussions of consciousness will initially become enhanced, but ultimately irrelevant.

ISO9000:
Chateau Plonque does not attempt to regulate any part of our process of winemaking. Each batch is unique. We do not adhere to any kind of standard, be it ISO, ANSI or DIN. There is some talk of following ISO14000 standards, but so far it is still open for discussion.

EULA (End User License Agreement)
As with Microsoft Java, Chateau Plonque wines are not fault tolerant and are not packaged, fermented or intended for use as on-line control equipment in hazardous environments requiring fail-safe performance, such as operation of nuclear facilities, aircraft or atomic submarine navigation, direct life-support machines or weapons systems. Any use of Chateau Plonque wines in such situations constitutes a voiding of the guarantee, and could result in death, personal injury and/or nasty headaches. Do you govern yourselves accordingly.